"What Should We Do With the Body?"
Jesus always had the dopest sandals
“What should we do with the body?”
“I don’t know Pete, let’s just get it out of the tomb before someone finds him.” I took off in a sprint to beat Peter there. Jesus had some of the dopest sandals in Jerusalem, I had to get there first for dibs. Peter was a sandalhead and I would be stuck with the shitty linen wrappings otherwise.
I’d been carb-loading lately so I never hit top speed, but I beat Peter by just enough. As I hunched over to catch my breath, I noticed the boulder used to hide the body had been moved. I told Joseph he needed to use a bigger rock. If someone found the body and got to my sandals first, I was going to lose it. Joseph was always half-assing everything. Pete finally made his way to the top of the hill and we took a look inside.
Empty, just those raggedy old linens.
“I bet it was that little weasel Andrew, huh Pete? That guy gave me some off vibes.”
“Are you suggesting Andrew stole Jesus’ body dude? Grow up man. They probably just moved him somewhere with a bigger rock. Let’s clean this place up and head back to town.”
I picked up the linens and kicked some dirt around to even it out. I noticed some bare foot prints leading away from the linens.
“Hey Pete, look at this, someone has been here. Looks like a peasant from town came up here barefoot. Do you think he did something?”
“We are pretty far from town, but don’t you remember? Jesus was barefoot from the whole cross ordeal. You don’t think…”
“You mean to tell me I came up here for nothing Pete! Why didn’t you tell me all of this before we agreed to collect the body? I don’t work for free, and these damn linens aren’t worth shit!”
“I didn’t think I’d have to tell you,” Pete said, “you were fucking there. You know, the cross, the thorn crown, all that? You don’t remember seeing his sandals, do you? I’m pretty sure Pilate has them in his locker anyway.”
This was some grade A bullshit. Now I have to deal with a missing body, one that I had nothing to do with, and there was no prospect of payment. No upgrading my slides. I was hoodwinked.
“When we get back to town, act normal,” Pete said, “no one has to know the body is gone.”
Damn right I was going to act normal, I had a mystery to solve and the fewer people that knew the better. First stop, Andrew’s house.
Andrew snuck his way into our crew by fawning over Jesus and his tricks. “Great job with the fish Jesus, I love how you fed all those people with only two fish!” Honestly it was sickening, but Jesus ate it up. Made him a disciple without a second thought. Now we were stuck hanging out with this loser at every weekly meeting and monthly retreat. Hell, he even got to sit closer to Jesus last time we had dinner with him. I tried to sit across the table but Andrew kept bitching about how we should all sit on the same side as we are all one team. Jesus agreed and I got stuck on the end.
It was dark by the time I got to Andrew’s house, he lived on the outskirts of town. No lights were on and it was eerily quiet. I knocked twice and looked through the window for any sign of life. At this time of night, he was usually strumming away on that ole harp of his. That harp was part of the reason he was pushed to the outskirts. He played it frequently, he just never played it well. After a few minutes I decided to head back to town and theorize about this overnight. If Andrew was involved, which was likely, he probably wouldn’t immediately come back to his house.
Pete did mention that Pontius Pilate had the sandals in his locker, was there any need to deal with Andrew? The chances of the body and the shoes still being together were slim, I would need to focus on what mattered most – the sandals. Pontius Pilate lived near the center of town in somewhat of a commune fully enclosed by a large retaining wall. By the time I got there the sun was coming up and I sat on a bench outside the large wooden door to wait. Pontius’ brother Brutus came out shortly thereafter and I inquired about the whereabouts of Pontius.
“He is having his morning tea out back, you are welcome to join him if you like, I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you!” Brutus was quickly on his way.
As I walked through the gate and around the back, I noticed the whole place was a bit run down, the normally manicured gardens were overgrown and unruly. The pond that runs the entire side of the house was covered in some unsightly algae with no signs of life underneath. I found Pontius sitting alone in the back sipping tea just as Brutus had suggested.
“What a pleasant surprise,” bellowed the portly governor. “What brings to you around these parts?”
“Hey Pontius, good to see you. I’m here with an urgent matter you may be able to help with,” I said. Small talk is for the birds, but with something so valuable hanging in the balance I had play the game. “It appears you are doing well.”
“Yes, the city is thriving, I wish I could say the same for my garden. I never did have much of a green thumb. Tell me about this urgent matter.”
“Well, I can’t get into the details, but I need to know the whereabouts of Jesus’ personal items.”
“Interesting,” he said. “You aren’t the first person to ask about them. In fact, a gentleman came by late last night and removed everything from the locker. I did not recognize him, but his paperwork appeared to be in order.”
Old Pontius didn’t know shit. We’ve been forging that paperwork for years around town, anyone could have showed up last night and swiped my sandals. “Did he mention why he wanted them or where he was going?”
“He was a quiet fellow, but he did mention something about Galilee, maybe there is some kind of convention going on up there.”
Galilee! I got a long day ahead of me. “Thanks Pontius, enjoy your tea and I’ll see you around.” This trek would be much easier on the way back – in my new kicks. All the motivation I needed.
I won’t bore you with the details of my venture up to Galilee, it was slow, hot, and uneventful. Nothing started spontaneously burning with insightful wisdom. I just walked up there.
After my trek I sat down at a small café in the town square and had some crude wine and a snack. I was only a few bites into my baguette when I saw a man walking through the square holding a familiar looking bag. It had the same color scheme as the totes Jesus had given all of his disciples a year or so ago to celebrate the anniversary of his walking on water. I didn’t use mine much because it was kind of an eye sore, Jesus’ taste in shoes didn’t translate to luggage I suppose. One thing was for sure, that guy was most definitely not an apostle. I finished my wine quickly and got up to follow him. After a block or two I noticed I was not the only one following him, in fact a number of people were all walking in the same direction. Something was happening about two blocks ahead.
I hustled up next to the “apostle” and took a peek in his bag. There they were! My sandals! I didn’t even have time to get upset as the crowd started growing and I was separated from my target. Someone hollered “he’s back!” and chaos ensued. People started running toward this small park at the end of the block and cheering frantically. I followed out of curiosity, but mainly to relocate that tote. While scanning the crowd for the “gentleman” as Pontius described him, I saw him. Not him the gentleman, but Jesus. Fucking Jesus, the dead guy who’s shoes I was after was standing right there!
People were mobbing him and cheering with unadulterated joy. He looked like shit, but I guess that was to be expected. I began moving through the crowd toward Jesus to see if my eyes were deceiving me. As I got closer, we made eye contact and he waved.
I finally got to the front and before I could even muster up the words to ask what the hell was going on Jesus said “Dude! So good to see you buddy, I have something to show you.” He reached down and pulled up his dirty robe slightly to reveal the most sensational pair of sandals I had ever seen. “The new JC3’s, what do you think?”
Stunned I forgot about everything else happening and raged with jealousy. Being friends with Jesus was hard. The ultimate one-upper. Not only did he literally rise from the grave, but he did so in style.
“Don’t worry bud, I got a pair for you being made as we speak.” God bless my good friend Jesus.